How to ask
Don't make assumptions about what someone wants sexually. Some people say it spoils the mood to stop and ask someone if he/she wants to have sex. This excuse avoids responsibility. Getting consent and talking about sex with your partner is important for intimacy. Better communication will improve your relationship and your sex life.
Wouldn't you rather know before you do something if the person wants it?
- Don't wait until it's too late to find out.
- Keep yourself and your partner safe.
- Show respect.
- Can I kiss you?
- Could I hold your hand?
- Are you interested in exploring a sexual relationship with me?
- Do you want to have sex?
- How far do you think you would be comfortable going?
- Have you ever done…? Would you like to try this with me?
- I'd really like to… what do you think?
- You seem quiet, are you sure?
'No' messages to listen for
- Non-verbal messages
- Lack of eye contact
- Crossing arms or not responding (think freezing with fear or anxiety)
- I'm not sure if I'm ready.
- I don't know if I want to.
- I think I've had too much to drink.
- I'm scared.
- Yes, that would be wonderful.
- I feel the same way as you.
- I want you to…
- I feel good about this.
- I am ready to…
People change their mind
Even if someone has said yes, he/she still has the right to change their mind. If someone says stop, then STOP.
- I'm uncomfortable means STOP
- That hurts means STOP
- I don't want to do this anymore means STOP